


Vows

by Sammynator



Series: 30 Days OTP Alphabet Challenge [23]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Grief, Love Confessions, Love Letters, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-07 01:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18400079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammynator/pseuds/Sammynator
Summary: When Sam goes to Stanford, he leaves Dean a letter in which he explaines why he had to go. It will take years and a burned down future until he gets the reply to that letter.





	Vows

**Author's Note:**

> Part twenty-two of the OTP Alphabet Challenge

Dear Dean,  
I´m sorry. There are so damn many things I´m sorry for, I don´t even know where to begin. I´m sorry I couldn´t be the brother, the partner, the hunter you needed me to be. I´m sorry you had to watch me and dad fight over and over again, I didn´t want it to be like that. I´m sorry I had to leave. It has nothing to do with you doing something wrong, you are the best brother I could ask for. But there´s something wrong with me and I don´t want that to taint your life, too. Now that I´m on my way to Stanford, with dad telling me to never show up again, I can tell you what has been on my mind for so long I don´t even know when it started. It doesn´t matter anymore and maybe it will make things easier for you, because why on earth would you want to have something like me close?  
Dean, you are my brother. And I´m in love with you. It´s been like this in forever and I thought I could forget, but I can´t. The more I tried to talk me out of it, or bury it or rationalize it, the stronger it got. I don´t want it, but I can´t change my feelings, either, and that´s why I have to go and can´t ever come back. I´m sorry, again. I don´t want to molest you in my head by thinking about touching you and holding you and all of the things you do with the person you love. I don´t even know if I have the right to call that love. I would do anything for you and if staying the fuck away ist he only thing I can actually do, so be it. Please, don´t hate me. Just forget me. I vow to you, I will never do something about it and I won´t be in your way.  
I love you.  
I´m sorry.  
Sam

The lines blurred. Even after weeks, Dean couldn´t read the letter without gasping for breath as agony ripped his heart to shreds. Why hadn´t he seen? Why hadn´t he been able to read this conflict in his brother´s behaviour as he could with everything else? Dean´s jaw twitched. He wiped his nose with his sleeve and took a pen.

"Dad´s on a hunting trip and he hasn´t been home in a few days." Of course. Dean would never have come to California if it was anything less than that. Would never have come to him. Sam didn´t want to go. And there was nothing he wanted more. 

Sam still smelled the smoke on his skin and it made him want to puke. His own thoughts made him want to puke. She was dead and it was all his fault. He destroyed everything and everyone around him, why was he even alive. And now his brother was stuck with him, because they had to find Dad and it would be a stupid idea to split up. He was tired and shaking with selfloathing and grief, his eyes stung and his head throbbed and every time he fell asleep, he woke up in a burning apartment with the woman he loved on the ceiling and the guilt eating him up.  
"How are you holding up?" He really had to be in bad shape if Dean brought himself to start a conversation about feelings.  
"I´m fine."  
"I don´t believe you."  
"Well, then don´t."  
The silence stretched. The thoughts in Sam´s head raced and tumbled and dragged him under, until he gasped out two words as if spitting out foul seawater.  
"I´m sorry."

Dean flinched. He didn´t want to hear those words from Sam ever again, and the memory of what they meant the first time had him panicking.  
"What for? None of that is your fault."  
"I´m not sure. But I´m your burden now, again, and I… I´m sorry you´re stuck with me again and I…"  
"Sam, STOP IT RIGHT THERE!"  
Dean pulled over and stared out of the windshield, his harsh panting breath the only sound. "I don´t have a clue what you are talking about. It was ME who came to get YOU in the first place. I am the one who is sorry. And I told you we made a good team, so what´s this crap about being a burden?"  
They stared at each other in loaded silence. Sam swallowed. His skin prickled. Could it be, Dean had never found the letter? Or forgotten about it? But you don´t just forget about your brother confessing his incestous thoughts!  
Dean could see it in his eyes. This guarded look Sam had had right before he dropped him off at the bus station to Stanford. This was about the letter. He took a deep breath and started the motor. Sam wouldn´t run a second time. When they were back at travelling speed, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. It was dirty, ripped at the edges, yellow with age and being worn close to skin for years. He hesistated for a moment and with a jerky, sudden movement, he threw it into Sam´s lap without looking. "Wrote this years ago. Read."

Dear Sam,  
I´m sorry, too. I´m sorry I never had your back against Dad. I´m sorry I didn´t realize you were struggling. I´m not the brother you deserve, you deserve so much better. And there is nothing you have to apologize for, because I´m no better, you hear me? It´s the same for me! I´ve had thoughts and feelings for you since you stopped being a child and it scared the shit out of me. But I could never have left you. Maybe I should have, maybe this is contagious or something, but I didn´t have the guts. You had, and I can´t help thinking that maybe this was for the better, so you can find someone who can offer you a picket fence, apple pie life. I wish I could. I wished for so many things. But they don´t matter now. What matters is that I miss you. It hurts, it hurts like a bitch and I just want you back! I can´t ever tell you that, because you got out and you deserve that, you deserve everything, and if I told you and you came back, I could never forgive myself for it. It´s for the better as it is, I´d just want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. And if there is, I´m the same kind of wrong. And it´s not molesting if the other one wants you to do it. All of it.  
As it is, you´ll probably never know that, but I have a vow, too. I vow to always love you, no matter what, no matter when we´ll see each other again.  
I love you.  
I miss you.  
Dean

Sam´s heart seemed to crack through his ribs, but the noise in his ears drowned out it´s frantic sound. He didn´t know what to say, but there was one important detail.  
"Still?"  
Dean´s knuckles had long since turned white. He nodded. "Always."  
Sam stretched out his shaking hand and rested it on his brother´s neck.  
"Me too."


End file.
